King of the Garys

When Gary and I first met we lived in different cities.  Because of this, we spent endless hours on the phone every night getting to know each other.  One of the first things he told me was that he hated his name.  Everyone has a gripe or two with their name here and there (well, not me because I pretty much have the perfect name).

“What do you mean you hate your name?” I said.

“It’s just the worst name ever.  Every fat, stupid, bald, gross, redneck person you see on tv or in movies is named Gary.  There are no attractive people named Gary.  The name is cursed.”

I said “oh come on, it’s not that bad!”

He wasn’t having it.  “The next time you see someone on tv named Gary, pay attention.  You’ll see.”

I realized I wasn’t going to overcome his life-long hatred of his own name with a few encouraging words over the phone, so we moved on to other topics.  I didn’t give it a second thought until a few nights later when I was sitting on the couch watching Hoarders.  The brand new episode happened to feature a couple named “Kathy and Gary.”  When I saw “Gary” I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Then he said “Hi, my name’s Gary, I’m unemployed and … uh huh huh huh … I’ve got too many bunnies!”  If I would have had liquid in my mouth it would have been sprayed all over my living room at that moment.  To top it off, he’s an angry son-of-a-bitch!

 

 

I couldn’t believe this happened so soon after mine and Gary’s conversation.  How often does one get immediately rewarded by the Universe like that? I couldn’t wait to tell Gary what I had seen during our standing nightly phone call.   When I told him he said “oh my God, are you serious?!  Bunnies?!  SEE???!!!” I have to admit, this did not look good for the Garys of the world.  But I wasn’t fully convinced yet.

Seeing this as a challenge, my Gary then asked me if I’d ever seen “Gary the Capybara.”  I said “number one, what the fuck is a capybara?”  And then I got so distracted with the fact that there are giant rodents out there that people actually want as pets that I forgot to ask any follow up questions.  Here is Gary the Cabybara in all his glory:

 

 

Once my Gary-dar had been installed, I started noticing undesirable Garys everywhere I looked.  Usually they appeared on some hillbilly TLC show, you know, the kind where they have to add subtitles even though the people are speaking English?  Then I saw a dog food commercial with a dog named Gary!  Who names a dog Gary?  And not even a real dog, a fictional dog character in a television commercial!  I can see the pre-production round table meeting now with the Purina executives.  “Ok, so what’s this dog going to be named, huh?”  “What about Gary?”  “Yes, Gary!  That’s the perfect name for a dog eating our delicious dog food!  It connotes a certain sense of strength, yet playfulness!”  Um, whatever dudes!

Once Gary and I moved in together it only got worse.  Every time we sat down to watch tv our senses were bombarded with grotesque Garys.  At this point I couldn’t deny his theory because I was seeing it too.  You know Jerry on Parks and Recreation?  For those of you who don’t watch the show (you should start watching, it’s hilarious), Jerry is the butt of every joke.  He’s fat, clumsy, stupid and everyone hates him.  But at least his name isn’t Gary, right?  Not so fast there Professor!

I’ll never forget it: we sat down to watch Parks and Rec just like a normal Thursday night.  We quickly realized the episode was going to be about Jerry.  “Sweet, this is gonna be good!” we said to each other.  About midway through the show they reveal that Jerry’s REAL name is Gary!  The minute the words came out of Jerry/Gary’s lips my Gary and I looked at each other in horror like we had just seen a dead body.  “NOOOOOO!  WHY?!?!” Gary yelled as he held his fists up to the sky.  I couldn’t contain my laughter.  Was this real life?  Was God playing a cruel joke on us?

 

 

So it’s official.  Gary IS the worst name ever.  The evidence is overwhelming.  I can’t deny it, Gary can’t deny it, all of you can’t deny it. Still not convinced?  Take a look at these other fine exhibits.  FYI, the dorky looking guy in the bottom left corner actually has the same exact name as my husband!  Gary Perlin!

 

Which one is your favorite?

Which one is your favorite?

 

“Ok you’re right!”  I said to Gary.  “This is crazy.  All the Garys out there are ugly and fat and stupid.  But you’re the opposite of all of them, so that makes you … like … King of the Garys!”  At first he looked at me like “wow, some prize!” and immediately went back to hating his name.  But over time, I think he has gotten quite comfortable with his title.  Now every time we see a bad Gary on tv he just looks at me and says “man, it sure is good to be King of the Garys!”

p.s. an extra special thanks to my husband, King of the Garys, for making these awesome videos for me and for allowing me to tell stories about him in a public forum.

18 thoughts on “King of the Garys

  1. So now can I change my name? I’m afraid of turning into a ‘bad’ Gary at some point. Legend has it that this name is forever cursed!

    • No! You’re just going to have to try harder to maintain your title than all of the Garys who came before you. I have faith! You can do it!

  2. Ha! I enjoyed that. I don’t know any other Ferd’s, so I guess that makes my husband #1 by default. Now I’m gonna go research his competition…

  3. Gary from Weird Science was kind of cool….that is of course after he got help from a Frakenfembot with Kelly Lebrock’s good looks and David Lee Roth’s attitude.

  4. What about Gary from The Break Up? He wasn’t ALL bad was he? Also, I really want the plural of Gary to be Garies. G + Aries. Aries, the first of the zodiac signs. Is he an Aries by chance? He could change his name to like, Garrett… Or Gareth. Yep, he’s a total Gareth. Then people be like, “Gareth, dost cometh this way, my good King. Ma’lady Gwenith dost not liketh to wait. She’ll haveth your head!!”

    • OMG Lizzie I love you! Yes, he IS an Aries! Is that fate or what?! I kind of dig Gareth. When we lived in LA he heard the word “Argyle” and thought it was cool (he had no idea it was the name of a pattern). We went to a party at my neighbors house and he introduced himself to everyone as Argyle. Everyone thought it was the coolest name ever! Then I had to go and ruin it after several glasses of wine by calling him Gary. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me for that.

  5. Argyle… Interesting how it contains all the letters of Gary. Argyle. Another version of Gary: the same but different. Le Gary? Or he could go spicy and be “Gaelle!” Of course, he would have to have a Spanish accent and snap two fingers in the air every time he said “Gaelle!” But he could pull it off. Forsure.

  6. Every Garry I have got to know in my life would be very similar to a wart. They grow on you. For some reason I have good luck with people named Garry. They are characters though.

    • OMG yes PinotNinja! I totally watch Teen Mom and forgot all about that Gary! What an exquisite example! I can’t wait to show the King! 🙂

    • Ha ha! Ya see…. It’s true! Stop the madness!

      That is definitely a Typical Gary, PinotNinja.

      I’m paving the way for ‘Garies’ everywhere!

  7. OMG… You guys are killing me!

    Lizzie- Genius! Garies! Love it! That enough exclamation points for ya???

    Gareth – not so much lol. Argyle… I had never noticed that it contained all the letters of my name; there is indeed something mystical, intangible and mysterious behind the scenes that make this phenomena kind of incredible!

    I never thought my terrible name could do me proud one day!

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